Busting Kinky Sex Myths in 'The Little Book of Kink'

Dr. Jessica O'Reilly

Dr. Jessica O'Reilly

I thought the week of Valentines Day would be a great time to invite my friend Dr. Jessica O'Reilly to join us at jeunesse.net. She's a sexologist from Toronto who works to educate people about sex and encourages you to open up to new ideas - perfect, right?! Today she shares the part one of Busting Kinky Sex Myths in 'The Little Book of Kink':

Kink Myth #1: All kinky sex precludes love and affection.

There is nothing inherent to kinky sex that precludes love, affection and intimacy. In fact,  the need to discuss your boundaries, feelings, fears and honest reactions creates many openings for intimacy through communication. The opportunities to explore your bodies, broaden your range of self-expression and experience a variety of sex acts can intensify your bond and deepen your connection.Thats not to say that kinky relationships are more intimate than non-kinky ones, but simply that all types of sex can be enjoyed both in and out of loving relationships.

The notion that people turn to kinky sex to avoid intimacy and commitment is also erroneous. Some kinksters are looking for love and others are not -- just like those who identify as vanilla.

Kink Myth #2: All kinky sex is painful and dangerous.

If we were to rely on kink scenes from the latest crime and courtroom dramas as our source of sex education, wed be misled into believing that all kinky sex leads to violence and tragedy. Fortunately, the reality is quite the opposite and kinky sex can be as pain-free or as painful as you desire. From sensation play with feathers to rough buttocks caning, you can design your scene to suit your particular tastes and mood. 

If youre wondering why pain is so closely to connected to pleasure for many of us, there are several logical explanations. First, your body releases hormones including endorphins in response to pain and these are the same hormones that surge during sexual pleasure and promote bonding between lovers. Pain-related adrenaline and dopamine release can create a natural high that allows your to experience pain in different ways and spikes in serotonin, melatonin and epinephrin levels are believed to produce a jolt of pleasure. These natural bodily reactions to pain may be why depictions of rough sex date back to ancient civilizations as evidence that pleasure and pain have a long-standing close relationship.

An experience submissive explains: In the right scenario with the right partner, I actually experience pain as pleasure. They say this is related to chemical changes in the body, but I see it differently. Pain feels nice because it awaken my senses more than a gentle touch ever could.” 

As for the element of danger, there is some degree of risk associated with all partnered sex - kinky or vanilla. However, any activity you partake in, from driving to the bank to bungee jumping, can be risky. We simply need to assess and acknowledge our risk and implement safety precautions. When driving, we wear a seatbelt and during sex play we use communication, negotiation and other safer sex skills to minimize harm.

Kink Myth #3: The desire for kinky sex invariably stems from being abused as a child.

Most people enjoy some component of kinky sex (blindfolds, spanking, dirty talk, etc.) and their preferences are not the result of childhood abuse. Period. Research continues to confirm that a history of childhood abuse is no higher within kink communities and attachment styles of kinksters are in no way significantly different from those who identify as vanilla.

The desire for kinky sex likely develops as a result of both evolutionary and cultural factors, as it incorporates primal urges, taboo subjects, novelty, physical excitement and   intense interpersonal connections.

Kink Myth #4: Kinky sex is a form of abuse.

The myth that being kinky is related to past abuse supports the equally misinformed belief that kinky sex is a form of abuse. Once again, nothing could be farther from the truth. Care and informed consent are core tenets of kink whereas abuse is predicated on their absence.

Consent should be actively sought and provided, not implied, before beginning a kink scene. Negotiations, ongoing communication and the right to change your mind, stop or re-visit boundaries set kink apart from abuse. 

 

Look out for Busting Kinky Sex Myths in 'The Little Book of Kink' Part Two coming later this week! OR pick up your copy of Dr. Jess' book, HERE

Dr. Jess O'Reilly Toronto-based sexologist (PhD), author and television personality. Visit her website and connect with her HERE!